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Joke of the Day

"I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics Don't believe me? Just watch."

"Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge."

"A man and a woman are talking Man: I can predict the future. I know my child's last name. But you can't. Woman: Well I know my child is going to be mine."

"I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash."

"Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? He always leaves you hanging"

"Thanks for declaring on Facebook that you've found ""true love."" I look forward to watching it implode in real time."

"Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning Because I can't get out of bed."

"To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car."

"I couldn't remember the name of a Skrillex song, so I tried to sing it for my friend, ended up puking and he guessed it."

"Why do people shoot up schools? Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service."