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Joke of the Day

"To be honest, I'm not going to be completely happy until Facebook implements a 'I Wish You Were Dead' button."

"Born to be mild."

"A woman is just like a condom. If she's not on your dick, she's in your wallet."

"I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude."

"What's the difference between organized crime and politics? One's organized."

"The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth."

"Where did the pirate go to college? Yale. He was rejected from H**arrrr**vard."

"[travels back in time] [accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]"

"My wife gets angry when she catches me using her tooth brush. But how the hell do you get the dog shit out of your sneakers."

"Poe, is your baby hungry? Poe: Nah, BB-8."