142053

Joke of the Day

"Why-Fi: The existential Internet connection."

"I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail."

"4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!"

"What's the difference between an old cat and a little kitten? An old cat will bite and scratch, but a little pussy never hurt anybody."

"Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!"

"*she hears me singing in the shower* Her: oh he's so cute *she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out* Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Ok doc, give it to me straight. ""It's cancer"" How bad? ""Really bad, you have 2 months."" OMG ""APRIL FOOLS!"" Whew- ""You have 2 days."""

"If you replaced Odysseus with Oedipus.. ..would a long series of journeys or wanderings be known as an Oedipussy?"

"yeah i like going to the gym. if by gym you mean beer and Netflix. 20 billion RTs 1 trillion favs, rted by the official white house twitter"

"I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores."