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Joke of the Day

"America's oldest lady was 115 years old today and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How come? She's completely bald."

"I decided to put certified SCUBA diver on my resume. That way they know I can handle intense pressure on the job."

"By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something"

"""I'm an introvert!"" -Extrovert, after being alone for a whole ten minutes."

"I'm a lawyer for an Orthodontist He's got me on retainer."

"If I had a dog, I'd name it Syndrome. I'd teach it to jump up on people just so I could shout ""Down, Syndrome!"""

"I found ISIS's website... It's the bomb dot com!"

"Hamburglar search history: sentence for stealing burgers do inmates get burgers what is prison ""beef"" countries that don't extradite"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a girl. Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly."