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Joke of the Day

"Why are penguins so shy? They always get cold feet."

"me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived"

"One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years... and then I turned 12."

"According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest. Ta-da!"

"How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? none, that's a hardware problem."

"I think it'd be cool to be immortal for a day, just to see what it's like."

"My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can. So I killed his mum."

"There are three things a bride thinks of on her wedding day As she arrives and sees her husband to be.... Aisle Alter Him"

"I can't believe my kamikaze joke crashed and burned like that!"

"Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh."