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Joke of the Day

"Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? Fixed* [deleted]"

"Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station on the other side! *bum bum chi*"

"9am: *starts diet* 2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*"

"Being great in bed is like being attractive or smart. The more you talk about it, the less I believe it."

"Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I've got man's work to do."

"OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK."

"What did Hitler get for Christmas? An easy-bake oven."

"Why did the condom leave so quickly? Because it got pissed off."

"69'd the wife then went to buy donuts after. The guy at the counter said he already knew what I wanted, so I asked how..... He said ""You had 'glazed' all over your face. """

"Can't wait for the next Jason Bourne movie. I heard he becomes a Christian and starts a church for ex-treadstone agents... It's called Bourne Again"