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Joke of the Day

"Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed."

"I just had my tubes tied, and now I'm........inconceivable."

"Just been fined 500 for having a joint in my greenhouse. I guess people in glass houses shouldn't get stoned."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it"

"A poem about bugs: If it can fly, it should die."

"What do you call an agreement between forests? A treety"

"Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an ""Oasis."" ... That's where the Arab boys go to eat their dates."

"Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back."

"I have a serious salad problem... ...it needs a dressing."

"Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!"