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Joke of the Day

"I see your sister's sick burn and raise you mine. ""If you're gonna be a dick, wear a condom over your head."" She's 9."

"I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing. I call it portmantuition."

"*walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* ""Sorry. Traffic."" *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* ""Oh this? I found it."""

"RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, More like hepatitis type 2 ayyy lmao"

"i found the cure for cancer [deleted]"

"""What are you doing, idiot?"" me, to other drivers on the road ""What are you doing, idiot?"" me, to myself, in all other situations"

"Three nuns are walking down the street, when a streaker runs past them. The first one has a stroke The second one has a stroke And the third doesn't touch him."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent"

"What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!"

"I played Lady Gaga at Texas hold 'em. I lost because I fucking suck at cards."