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Joke of the Day

"*zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Balanchine ! Balachine who ? Balachine act !"

"What's the cheapest concert you can go to? 50 cent feat. Nickelback."

"*ring* Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline Me: Help please Her: Ok sir. Let's take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out Me: THIS ISN'T HELPING"

"Money can't buy happiness... Poverty can't buy *Anything*"

"How do you start a joke about Vladimir Putin? By looking over your shoulder."

"Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive"

"If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day"

"i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was ""cool. that bird makes more money than me"""

"whatever you do Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood."