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Joke of the Day

"I'm starting a talent agency that only represents those dudes in rap videos that just sorta stand around looking all hard."

"I wonder what Hillary Clinton will do after she dies.... Most likely she'll lie still"

"Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise."

"Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology. I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117."

"The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it's me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me"

"I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans."

"MySpace got old. Facebook got old. Now Twitter is getting old. What next? Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life."

"If I had a time machine I'd destroy the invention of autotune and say ""good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"""

"Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say [removed]"

"Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That's what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill"