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Joke of the Day

"President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom."

"In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so."

"A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide the librarian says, sorry it looks like the last person never brought it back."

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? It looks like you landed on your face"

"I like my cream like I like my slaves. Whipped. *I'm so sorry*"

"Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head."

"How do you turn a fox into a cow? You marry her."

"Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes."

"please stop asking me to change my password, i'm getting tired of renaming my cat all the time"

"What kind of salad dressing does a tree use?"