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Joke of the Day

"If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen."

"[trick or treating] ""Oh, what a cute little...what's she doing?"" Me: potty training. ""In my pumpkin?!"" Me: She likes the heated seat."

"Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body."

"*catches frisbee* ""this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don't take staff meetings seriously"""

"Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him."

"How do Germans tie there shoes? With little Nazis."

"No. I'm not pregnant. That's my liver."

"They're calling the Patriot thing ""Deflategate?"" I was hoping they'd go with ""Ball-o-caust."""

"Which is better: blind or deaf? Deaf. Because the blind community can't see each other often."

"What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games? An ex-boxer."