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Joke of the Day

"[Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?"

"""Oh love what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. ""I don't know but I promise I'll never do it again."""

"What's green and smells like Ms. Piggy? The Boston Celtics"

"I want to die like my grandfather did Quiet and peacefully, unlike the screaming passengers in his car."

"Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted? Me: No, I'm toasted enough for both us. In fact I'm kind of hoping it can drive me home."

"I dont 'scrub up' like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon"

"I once had a brush with Death and then a floss and a rinse; no woman wants to get intimate with a dark annihilator of souls with bad teeth."

"Da Bears. That's it that's the whole joke."

"what do you call a fake spaghetti? an impasta"

"Relationship status table for one but drinks for two."