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Joke of the Day

"The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world."

"If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it."

"If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me... And then plug me back in. See if that works."

"What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife."

"I remember the Christmas my son got me my first DVD. It was a rental...6 days overdue. And we didn't even have a DVD player!"

"A man goes into a pharmacy And asks, Do you have pills for memory? The pharmacist says, Yes we do. And the man goes: You do what?"

"A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school."

"Did you notice the difference between Trump's inauguration and Obama's? Trump's crowd paled in comparison."

"Today I rented a prostitute... It was whore-ible"

"Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants."