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Joke of the Day

"My Lebanese friend knocked over his dip. I had to report him for hummus-side. Edit: changed arrest to report because reasons."

"How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to change it, and the other one to change it back again."

"what do you call a group of naked old men doing yoga? Lululemonparty"

"What did the Shepard say when he saw the sheep? ""I herd that!"""

"What does Polynomial Man say when you beat him? Youve foiled my plans again!"

"Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport."

"What not to do on a first date: ask what gender they are."

"I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats. Either that or I undercooked it."

"It sucks being a wiener. Your best friends are a couple of nuts and you neighbor's an asshole."

"My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, ""That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."""