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Joke of the Day

"Here's a promise - if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I'm not paying for a damn thing."

"A lion will never cheat on his wife But a Tiger Wood!"

"Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood? Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month"

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Sorry, my cat walked on my keyboard and accidentally typed something Welsh."

"Where was Matthew McConaughey headed in those Lincoln commercials? Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights."

"I wonder if blackbirds ever watch reruns of 'That's So Raven' and go all, ""gurl please."""

"My dad is hung but then again, everything seemed bigger when I was a kid."

"If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It's basically Twitter."

"Did you hear about the lonely cow that joined a dating website? She was searching for her udder half."