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Joke of the Day

"I was so happy when I got my first pubic hair! But instantly saddened when I realized it was just my penis :(..."

"My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox."

"Wife: It's date night! Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform? W: Yes. *winks* M: Maybe you can get a student discount."

"Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that ""the haters"" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power."

"What should you do when an elephant comes in your window? Swim."

"Two atoms are walking down the street.... Two atoms walking down the street. One says, ""Damn, Ive lost an electron"". ""Are you sure?"" ""Yep, I'm positive""."

"[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?"

"If all else fails, pretend you don't speak English."

"My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it."

"What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab? What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog!"