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Joke of the Day

"Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows? They've really been making headlines. -courtesy of my 8 year old niece."

"Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck."

"My girlfriend complained we don't spend enough time together. So she came up with a perfect solution... ... and broke up with me."

"Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time."

"DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point"

"Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail? He couldn't finish his sentence."

"Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual."

"[introducing you to my family] ""this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"""

"How much hummus did the anorexic girl order? A tahini bit."

"Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing ""thank you"""