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Joke of the Day

"*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party* I don't know guys, I've never done this before. *straps on monogrammed driving gloves*"

"I wish lap dance minutes felt like treadmill minutes."

"I wish I felt as much passion for something as my dogs feel towards the doorbell."

"5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero for school. Me: Aw, you came to me. 5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?"

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None- they'd just beat the room for being black."

"A lady crashed into a McDonald's here in town. Hey Leno, here's a free one for you: ""Looks like she took 'drive-thru' a bit too literally!"""

"My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra."

"I accidentally filled the escort with diesel, she died."

"I got a new job growing weed. It's the Kush-iest job I've ever had."

"Cop: Freeze! Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden's bottomless pasta bowl* Rookie: We gotta go after him! Cop: No. He's gone."