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Joke of the Day

"I didn't know what to do with all the gifts my ex gave me. So I took antibiotics until they went away."

"Since it's the thought that counts I'll just keep on thinking about doing exercise."

"How do you tell the difference between an X and Y chromosome? You pull down its genes."

"How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem!"

"PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*"

"I like all my women to be Just the same as my morning coffee, I.e. liquid and hot, Often drunk on a yacht And usually bought for a fee."

"A: ""What is the integral of 1/cabin?"" B: ""Log cabin!"" A: ""Nope, Houseboat. You forgot the C."""

"Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds. Me: That's a cam- Wife: ... Me: Yes. Yes they do."

"TIFU No, literally. Your girl was on my lap. That's the only time I fuck up."

"America, you're fired. Love, United Nations"