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Joke of the Day

"I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor."

"911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND"

"How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook."

"Meant to type fairy godmother but wound up typing fairy gothmother and holy shit what a great band name that would be."

"Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks."

"Helen Keller walks into a bar ......... then a table and then a chair."

"Why do gay men have great skin? Because they respect and take care of their bodies, you homophobic piece of shit."

"No, no, I didn't need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music."

"As a Marxist I could never play CoD, because I refuse to create a class."

"Chuck Norris opened the Ark of the Covenant and kept his eyes open. The Ark melted."