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Joke of the Day

"I'm stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying ""utilize"" and ""leverage"" and I'm wondering if I should tell him about the word ""use""."

"INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength? M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]"

"""Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,"" says my accountant while rubbing his temples."

"I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues... at least that's what her diary said."

"Why was the gay triceratops so frustrated? Because he couldn't find any tricerabottoms!"

"Nice guys finish last. And with me, women don't finish at all."

"If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you."

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. --My amazing girlfriend told me this one"

"What do you call rich Mexicans? The Juan percent."

"I put my pants on like everyone else... As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face."