95026

Joke of the Day

"I'd love to be a mayfly. But only for a day."

"How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question: Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags."

"Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes."

"I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds."

"Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS"

"What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding... He hasn't unwrapped his present yet"

"I went to a seafood disco last week I ended up pulling a mussel."

"So a pope, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar... He asks for a drink. ^^^^Take ^^^^as ^^^^much ^^^^time ^^^^as ^^^^you ^^^^need ^^^^to ^^^^think ^^^^about ^^^^it..."

"Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling."

"Overheard: ""Hey, I think that weirdo is listening to our conversation."""