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Joke of the Day

"I had an ambivalent girlfriend once, but I had to dump her. I found out she was addicted to Meh."

"Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park ? They woke him up."

"What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog"

"Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running?? Me- No, but the dishwasher is.. Prank Caller- Huh??? Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog..."

"My son keeps putting out the fire in the fireplace Should I take him out of there?"

"Jesus walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says I'll just have a water thanks ;)"

"I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart."

"I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night."

"I'm terrible at keeping track of appointments so I signed up for a time management class. I showed up for class *a week late.* [Heard just now on Freakonomics.]"

"Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die."