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Joke of the Day

"[Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill...screwdriver... tape...there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done."

"I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know."

"*waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*"

"#Jokes4days What did the man say when he walked into a milk bar? Can I grab some milk? *Bah dum tsss*"

"Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy"

"Finally saw ""The Price Is Right"" with the new host. Maybe it's the glasses, but Drew Barrymore looks really different."

"The Dirtiest Dad Joke Every time my dad drives by a Little Caesars Pizza he says ""5 dollars hot and ready....I used to know a girl like that"" he says it EVERY TIME and thinks he's hillarious"

"Why did the snowman take his pants off? Because he heard the snow blower coming."

"The early bird needs to shut the fcuk up."

""" Wake up, little Suuuzzie, wake up "" - The Everly Brothers accidentally kill another hooker"