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Joke of the Day

"Standing up quickly is my Six Flags."

"MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED"

"You know what the best thing about Alzheimer's is? You can hide your own Easter eggs."

"Just observed a dwarf making a complaint at customer service. He said ""I'm not happy"" I leaned in and asked ""Then which one are you?"""

"Waiter there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir and I'm sure there is an A C and all the other letters too !"

"Why was Noah a great economist? He kept his stock afloat while everything else was in liquidation."

"The other day I went to the doctors office. The doctor said to me, ""You've got to stop masturbating."" I replied, ""What? Why?"" The doctor answered, ""So I can examine you."""

"My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers."

"I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White Good condition Reliable Cheap No evidence of rear end damage. Must See."

"[at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying"