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Joke of the Day

"Gas should cost /gallon. Since the price is irrational."

"My New Year's resolution was to buy a velcro wall So far I'm sticking to it"

"I bought a lottery ticket the other day. I didn't win anything. I've come to the conclusion that the lottery is a bunch of balls."

"Why wouldn't you laugh at punch lines in a circle-jerk? You'd see them coming."

"Did you hear about the suicide bombing camp? I heard it was a blast."

"Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda. The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan."

"Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex."

"Make a man a fire: he'll be warm for the night Set a man on fire: he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Just been offered a 42 Plasma TV for 100. Only problem is the volume control is broken, I thought fuck it, at that price you can't turn it down."

"[Pilot intercom] Me: ""Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."""