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Joke of the Day

"sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over"

"When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people."

"When an oppressed people demand a democracy I wonder if they realize we created obesity, the piano neck tie, and Keanu Reeves."

"If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV"

"What does a jock douchebag and a strict catholic have in common? They're both obsessed with their mass every day."

"Knock knock Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave breaking down into an emotional wreck and mess of tears at the realisation that the Alzheimer's has finally taken hold."

"A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, ""Jack off mate, you won't bring it back!""."

"Why aren't there any pedophiles in Japan? Because they learned what happens when you touch a little boy."

"Apparently the average person has sex 365 times a year Pray for me. I may not survive the next 12 hours."

"If you can't handle me at my worst then I should probably pull myself together and be considerate of others."