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Joke of the Day

"I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights."

"Want to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head."

"Got all the way to the car and realized I left my keys back at the office The two things I hate most in life: 1. ISIS and 2. Accidental exercise"

"Q. Where does a fish keep his money A. In the River Bank!"

"My therapist diagnosed me with oppositional defiant disorder but I told them they were wrong."

"All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?"

"Jaws (2015): ""(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks"""

"Don't date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he'll still be a man, and you'll have wasted your black candles and a goat."

"the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots"

"Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe? More often than not, they were called ""peasants"""