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Joke of the Day

"Do you want to celebrate!? It's the year of the cock."

"Do you know that the Coast Guard requires that you be at least six feet tall? So that if your ship sinks, you can walk back to shore!"

"Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly."

"Did you notice the difference between Trump's inauguration and Obama's? Trump's crowd paled in comparison."

"What is this compound? Chemistry teacher drew this during class. http://imgur.com/fQyNg Don't know how to type spoilers, but maybe rot13 will do. Vg'f n cnenqbk."

"Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!"

"ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination"

"I was on a first date. ""How many women have you slept with?"" she asked. I said, ""Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"" ""Oh, I say. Go on then."" she laughed. I said, ""0."""

"""I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist."" - People who haven't spent time with me yet."

"My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils... ...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take."