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Joke of the Day

"I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt."

"One time I shot a gun... And the gun died!"

"I'm very anti-slavery, but boy do I hate laundry."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade."

"Butterflies (by Kevin L. Schwartz) All these years later and you still give me butterflies. It's crazy. I told you a decade ago I quit collecting."

"I Thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby"

"What do you call a cow that got hit by a car? moo-tilated."

"The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn't want to be picked up"

"Hey! Need an ark! I noah a guy."

"I have $5,000,000 in one pocket and $2,000,000 in the other. What do I have? Someone else's pants."