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Joke of the Day

"*smashes into treehouse* Gimme all ur snacks! *kid reaches for cans on a string to make emergency call but I already snipped the string*"

"If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in."

"""Was he better than me?"" ""Joe, don't."" ""I have a right to know!"" ""No, he wasn't better than you."" [god appears] ""Mary, what the hell?"""

"If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?"

"If you drop food on the floor in public, it's proper etiquette to look around and see who noticed before shoving it in your mouth."

"It must be garbage truck mating season, judging from the sounds outside."

"C'mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard."

"""How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?"" ""It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."""

"You deplete me"

"On my way to Chicago. Anybody need anything? Hot dog? Deep dish pizza? Bull's Jersey? A lock of Oprah's hair?"