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Joke of the Day

"*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying* ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler PM: With a top hat? ME: Of course you idiot"

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"TIFU by pretending to be stabbed by a jihadi."
"Do you know why Morgan Freeman's name is Morgan Freeman? Because his first name is Morgan and his last name is Freeman"
"AVN's Best Actress Award goes too... you acting pussy like a chick in a porn film."
"Plutonium smells just like shit. Pu."
"Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus."
"One of the good things about trump winning... We get to see Amy schumer leave."
"A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker."
"People who crave food for thought don't understand how food works."
"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass? Donald Trump's tie."