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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

"Parties: for those times you're just dying to clean up twice in twelve hours."

"My buddy asked if I could make an electronic cigarette lighter so I removed the battery."

"It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic."

"WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat"

"R.E.M.'s ""Everybody Hurts"" should automatically play every time anyone takes the first bite into a microwaveable burrito."

"What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !"

"My dog 'Fat Jessie' died yesterday, but I don't mind... She was a massive bitch."

"Phones these days are so expensive... If you fall and hear a crack, you hope you broke your leg."

"I don't always have pre-marital sex... But when I do it's not with my wife."