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Joke of the Day

"I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what's going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again."

"So what happens if I neglect to ""safely"" remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD."

"My grandpa has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo."

"Came up with this lame one... What do you call a posh shop that sells kitchen appliances? Selfridges."

"What if a side effect to laxatives was death? That'd be a shitty way to die."

"When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety."

"Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school"

"I was doing my online shopping the other day and bought one hundred bottles of tipex. I made a really big mistake!"

"Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands."

"My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo."