61568

Joke of the Day

"*forgets to talk to friends for 4 weeks*"

"I've been dating this lady who is gluten free... Problem is, we go to a deli, she asks, ""do you want to split a sandwich."" I say, ""sure"" and then I'm just left with the bread."

"Did you hear about the guy who took some dude's ear off with a vacuum cleaner? His name was Mike Dyson."

"I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments"

"What do you call the action of a banker buying weed? A dank transaction"

"My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am."

"I asked my friend to try and jump start my car. Fat bastard smashed my windshield."

"The masochist said to the sadist, ""Hurt me!"" and the sadist said ""No."""

"What kind of salad dressing does a tree use?"

"Went to watch 'Comedy Thesaurus - The Punny Years' at the local theater yesterday. Disappointing, it was just a play on words."