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Joke of the Day

"AI walks to the human AI: ""I relieve you, sir!"" Human: ""I am relieved."""

"Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself. It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now."

"I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix."

"2:40 is the opposite of 4:20 If you wake up at 2:40 you're in rehab and detoxing."

"Instead of sending an ""e-card,"" why not swing by & fart in my mouth?"

"Just said ""No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon."" I shouldn't be allowed to parent."

"Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station? The police were left with nothing to go on."

"Conservatives after a mass shooting: ""You can't take our guns!"" Conservatives after a police shooting: ""But he had a gun!"" I'm confused."

"My sex life is like a Ferrari! I don't have a Ferrari."

"[creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it"