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Joke of the Day

"My mom always has these great sayings for life, like ""Don't count your chickens before they hatch"" and ""Everybody hates you."""

"Where do grasshoppers eat? At IHOP. A three-year-old made this up."

"[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] ""he looks like you"" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though"

"How do I know thieves are bad kissers? Because apparently I make out like a bandit."

"I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!"

"I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you"

"Ever notice that a European male tourist dresses like a 7th grade girl from the suburbs? Graphic tees and Hollister jeans allllll day."

"What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me."

"Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica? Their journey went south."

"Why did the Arabic man ask for her hand in marriage? Because she stole his heart"