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Joke of the Day

"*breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?"

"My girlfriend has twelve breasts. It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?"

"Who has more money than God? His Ex-Wife."

"I thought I was getting a car for christmas... turns out all I got was a toy Yoda"

"What's the worst place to run in to your ex girlfriend? Auschwitz"

"What does a vulture bring onto a plane? Carrion luggage"

"Why do Japanese people squint? Nuclear explosions are bright"

"A guy walks up to his friend and says... ""What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"" His friend says ""I don't know"" The guy says, ""Nothing, you already told her twice."""

"General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha"

"What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't ask her out again."