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Joke of the Day

"*breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?"

"James May... James might..."

"Doctor Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come in I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!"

"Why did the otter want to work at NASA? So he could go to Otter Space."

"It's difficult to imagine someone stealing your Viagra prescription. . . But really it wouldn't be hard."

"What if Superman landed in Mexico instead of Kansas? He'd be an illegal alien."

"What's the difference between beer nut and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck."

"What does a time traveller do when he's hungry? He goes back four seconds!"

"I just want to be rich enough to say ""that won't be necessary"" when the police go to handcuff me"

"[On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye."