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Joke of the Day

"""Always a housewife, never a house,"" the shed sighs as she's installed next to a mansion. No one was ever going to call her ""home""..."

"I can always tell what my present is off Iggy Azelea because she's really bad at wrapping."

"Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes? To carry his library card."

"Hillary should make Bernie the ambassador to Japan. His knowledge of harpooning whales will definitely help bridge the cultural divide."

"My wife tried to make antimatter in the kitchen But she ran out of counterspace"

"""you are the only one who understands me"" i whisper to a piece of pizza."

"What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto . . hahah . . . fuck"

"Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck."

"Wanna know what's the most racist game ever? Chess. They never EVER let Black go first."

"Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce."