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Joke of the Day

"""You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands."" *Lights another cigarette*"

"[Walks up to stranger] Me: ""Excuse me, would you take my picture?"" Him: ""Sure."" Me: ""Great!"" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]"

"What's the difference between the Chinese and Germans? The Chinese rike and the Germans Reich."

"My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists."

"What is the difference between Harry potter and jews? Harry potter made it out if the chamber"

"I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me."

"I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people's names."

"I taught my parents something today... ...I guess they learned from their mistake"

"My wife is fucking awesome. Although usually I prefer to go by Steven."

"StackOverflow developers have the hardest job on the internet. When the site goes down, they have to fix it without StackOverflow"