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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am."

"How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses."

"What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency? Life insurance policies."

"My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up."

"That whole Ray Rice elevator incident... took him to the lowest level."

"Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it's windy outside. And outside."

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool."

"So it's the first of October. I wonder if anyone remembered to wake Green Day up?"

"What do you call an Eskimo who's a peeping tom? Itookalook"

"I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts."