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Joke of the Day

"Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low..."

"I won't sit back and let gay people marry. But I'll let big oil melt the icecaps because I believe in a lil' something called freedom. #tcot"

"My essay for graduate school reeks of bullshit and broken dreams disguised as lessons learned."

"Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick."

"*arouses suspicion* Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c'mere."

"What kind of music does a mummy like? (W)rap music!"

"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate a tit a lot."

"I like my coffee, how I like my slaves. free"

"My girlfriend has this really weird fetish She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex. I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway."

"Yesterday at around 830pm a man pulled out a pair of scissors at me Luckly I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I were have pulled out paper he would have won."