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Joke of the Day

"Folks I'm seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there"

"A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time... She replied ""I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"""

"What do you call it when the Speaker of the House is angry? .... A raging Boehner."

"*tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*"

"God: ""Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?"" Frog: ""ribbit"" God: ""haha, alright man"""

"What file does a Knight store his music on? A **MIDI**-val file."

"i get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions"

"[visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time."

"""Jesus honey, I don't know. How about a letter, a time of day, and something really Indian"" - M. Night Shyamalan's parents' naming process"

"How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower. Hand her a shovel!"