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Joke of the Day

"*runs in place* *cracks knuckles* *stretches neck* *takes a deep breath* *heads toward buffet*"

"[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I'll only have to tell my mom 'I love her' for them] Cashier: that'll be $5,364.32 Me: shit"

"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches"

"How can you tell when there's an elephant in your sandwich? When it's too heavy to lift."

"I have a fear of speed bumps... ...I'm slowly getting over it."

"I have an invisible friend. I haven't seen him for some time now."

"""Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant""- no one, ever."

"Guy walks into library and asks the librarian... ""do you have the book for men with a small penis?"" She replies ""I don't know if it's in yet"" ""yeah, that's the one """

"What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe? Paddy Hor D'oeuvre"

"It's always ""Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick."" I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy"