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Joke of the Day

"I spend 90% of my time in Texas doing u-turns under highway overpasses trying to get somewhere I can see but can't drive to for some reason."

"funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway offers over 19 different ways to Eat FreshTM"

"Little kid making faces at you from his bus window? Follow him home and make faces through his window at night."

"I took my item up to the counter. ""I'd like to return this,"" I said, with a tear in my eye, ""It didn't work."" He said, ""I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."""

"*Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!"

"What kind of people are always in a damn hurry? Russians"

"Humpty Dumpty Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall."

"My girlfriend might be a bit clingy, but she sure is going places... Like home. Go home."

"Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they're cooking meth."

"[office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?"