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Joke of the Day

"My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday I'ts nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said: i wanna watch"

"If you're a necrophiliac... is it called wallpapering the coffin?"

"Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday' But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory' So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit"

"Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire."

"Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket."

"My husband and I make a good team. I'm about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he's taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors."

"What's a slutty witch's favorite holiday? Swalloween!"

"Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator."

"Another Tom Swifty ""I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades,"" said Tom heartlessly."

"The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies"