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Joke of the Day

"Care less and you'll stress less."

"Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*"

"My new job has me up at 1 AM every morning in my front yard with a glass of water and a paintbrush. It doesn't really pay much but I make dew."

"An atom loses an electron... It says, ""man, I really gotta keep an ion them."" Edit: RIP inbox, nearly thought Reddit Au was coming Edit 2: First Reddit au! Thanks kind stranger!"

"my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl i replied ""nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"""

"Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light."

"What is a cow's favourite TV show ? Dr Moo !"

"How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door."

"Doctor doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks."

"Some of you are like family to me. I don't want you calling me either."