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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about Instagram, the weed delivery service? nm was thinking of Instantgram"

"Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key."

"May you never leave your marriage alive."

"What do mermaids wear to math class? An algae-bra!"

"When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, ""I think it's Santa Claus!"" so I don't have to get up."

"My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."

"I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect ""I've"" to ""me've"" and me'm really excited about it."

"9 out of every 3 people suffer from math illiteracy."

"Anybody have some good summer reads for me that...Oh wait. Nevermind. Found my phone"

"How can you tell if a fat chick is pregnant? You can't."