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Joke of the Day

"[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital"

"5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat.."

"Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!"

"It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with ""If I was a boy"" now there is this Bieber chick with ""If I was your boyfriend"""

"It's saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one."

"How to get laid: HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there."

"By a show of hands, who has hands? Sit down Leonard, you're a seahorse."

"About 90% of people do not know the opposite of these words... Always Coming From Take Me Down"

"Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells."

"How do you call a camel with 3 humps? With empathy, compassion, and honesty. Cancer is hard news, even for a camel."